Archive for January, 2012

The Politics of Envy

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney

Are you envious of millionaires, billionaires, or those who have what you want?  Does envy help you achieve what you want?  Envy results from feeling deprived—not necessarily because you don’t have enough, but because someone else has more. Being around people who are happy, healthy, or wealthy when you are in pain, stricken with a debilitating illness, or deprived of an income can easily stir feelings of envy. Feeling resentful that you don’t have what someone else has distracts you from your dissatisfaction with yourself and from concentrating on creating what you want. To best resolve your feelings of envy, you can ask:

Why am I distracting myself from optimizing my life?
Why am I afraid to assume responsibility for optimizing my life?
What am I thinking or doing to create dissatisfaction with myself?
Which beliefs are inhibiting my Optimal well-being?
What am I afraid of?
What is within my control?
What is most important to me?
What are the best actions I can take to create what is most important to me?
What are the best actions I can take to feel good about myself?
What is the best thing I can do to minimize my anxiety?
How can I take the best possible care of myself?

Warren Buffet

Warren Buffet

When Henry was growing up, his mother criticized his every move and often compared him to people who were more accomplished. Nothing Henry did was ever good enough. As an adult, Henry was miserable. He felt defective and was afraid of making life changing decisions. When Henry was twenty-five years old, his father passed away, so he took over the family business. Henry hated the business but didn’t have the courage to try anything else. He constantly measured himself against the successful people he knew and was clearly envious of their accomplishments. Henry was using envy to distract himself from taking responsibility for healing his pain and optimizing his life. Here is a portion of my consultation with Henry.

HENRY:  I hate myself. I don’t have what it takes to make it. Look at all my school friends. They have a good life. My life is a mess.
ROSALENE:  Henry, are you willing to focus your attention on what is within your control?
HENRY:  Yes.
ROSALENE:  What are you thinking or doing that is inhibiting you from feeling good about yourself and achieving what you want?
HENRY:  Good question. I focus on what others have, instead of how I can create it for myself.
ROSALENE:  Why are you distracting yourself from making the most of your life?
HENRY:  Good question again. I’m afraid I don’t have the skills or courage to make it in life.
ROSALENE:  Henry, I understand how scary this must feel for you. Can you acquire the skills you need?
HENRY:  Yes
ROSALENE:  So you need courage. Courage means that you feel the fear and take action regardless, one step at a time. You don’t allow fear to paralyze you. Are you willing to do that?
HENRY: Yes. I am ashamed of being so afraid of life. It’s horrible to feel like a coward.
ROSALENE:  Will this make you feel good about yourself? Is this in your best interest?
HENRY: I will give it a try. It will definitely make me feel better about myself.
ROSALENE:  What is the best strategy you can implement to create what is most important to you?

Henry reviewed his goals, figured out his priorities, took one step at a time, and in due time, entered a field that ignited his passion. On purpose, he is no longer consumed with envy.

* Excerpted from Optimize Yourself with Optimal Thinking Audio Download.

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Posted in Business Optimization, Executive Coaching, Life Coaching, Personal Optimization | 3 Comments »

How to Resolve Conflict Optimally

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

Conflict resolution tool box


Do you avoid conflict because you fear the unpleasantness involved in facing it? Sometimes the presence of conflict is destructive and impedes progress; at other times, it doesn’t. When there is complete absence of conflict, often the need for change is denied, hidden resentments accumulate, problems aren’t dealt with, and creativity is stifled. All relationships have areas of conflict.

Do you wonder about your conflict resolution skills? When you acknowledge and resolve conflict optimally, you minimize differences and optimize mutual understanding. You make the most constructive decisions and reduce drama and crises in your life. To resolve any conflict, willingness by those involved is essential.

The objective of the two-way Optimal conflict resolution process is to find the best solution for all concerned. When you resolve conflicts with optimal communication, the best interests of all are considered and the best solution negotiated. In the real world, however, sometimes negotiations do not result in agreement. Prior to negotiation, it is in your best interest to determine your Optimal contingency plan in case you are unable to reach agreement. This will maximize your leverage.

When discussions begin, only those directly involved in the conflict should partake in its resolution. In these conflict resolution discussions, it is supremely important that respect for others’ self-esteem is always displayed. Concentrate fully on the issue, listen reflectively, and organize the best follow-up date.

7 Steps to Handle Conflict Resolution Optimally

The following seven-step formula can be used whenever you seek the best solution to your problems and conflicts.

Step 1. Clearly define the conflict.
This should take no more than 20 percent of your time.

Step 2. Define the main purpose of the solution.
Why do I need the solution? Why does the other party need the solution?

Step 3. Decide on all the information needed.
Identify the cause of the conflict, the major needs, interests, concerns, and common ground of all involved. You may need to gather additional information.

Step 4. Collaborate to generate possible options.
Brainstorm. Do not judge solutions at this stage.

Step 5. Evaluate the options in light of the information collected.
Examine the fairness and practicality of each option. Consider the advantages and disadvantages and evaluate the consequences for all concerned.

Step 6. Negotiate. Decide upon, verify, and implement the best solution.
What can they give me? What can we/I give them? What is easiest for me to give? What is most valuable for them? Is it in my best interest to reveal my Optimal contingency plan? Ensure clear agreement. For the tasks involved, ask What?, Who?, Where?, Why?, How?, When’s the best time? Establish the best possible checking procedure.

Step 7. Choose the best follow-up date.
Evaluate the effectiveness of the solution in light of additional experience and relevant information.


Interested in coaching to best deal with conflicts?

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Posted in Business Optimization, Executive Coaching, Life Coaching, Personal Optimization | 3 Comments »